Sunday, January 2, 2011

Learnings from my Papa

I try so, so, so hard to be a funny guy. I try so, so hard to always say the funniest, wittiest, cleverest thing I possibly can. I try my absolute darndest to avoid awkward situations or anything really at all costs. And as a result, I take very little, if anything, serious. To the point where after Worship, I try to find some way to crack some kind-of a joke to break the ice of the "post-worship awkwardness" that accompanies getting so intimately involved in something, and then suddenly going back to normal life. Frankly, it's awkward, and can be incredibly embarrassing.

And I can honestly say my Father is ready to bring an end to this in my heart.
So much conviction has poured out on me lately. so. much. It seems that every time I come into His Presence, whether it's in Worship, or Prayer, I literally have to sit down because His Spirit weighs so heavily on me. I absolutely cannot get away with taking God lightly anymore - I can't. I literally can't hold myself up when I come before Him anymore. and i get that, and i'm glad. and it's been....very sobering. He's showed me that Worship is not just running around, and making a fool of myself for His sake. Granted, that is a part of it - but it means nothing if I don't realize the seriousness of the God I'm singing about. I....man.

I've mentioned to a few people lately, but I rarely cry anymore. Originally I was so afraid I had become hard-hearted and emotionless - but God has definitely confirmed in my heart that's not the case. I just...can't get down and stay down on something. Jesus Christ offers too much Hope for me to stay down about something. I'm not saying crying is bad, and you won't cry when you're a Christian - that's just where I'm at in my walk right now I guess.
and I say all that to say - I've been on the verge of tears almost constantly for days now, probably a week or two even. And i just...my heart feels so broken. I think The Lord is really starting to lay on my heart how serious He is, and how lightly I take it, and how heart-breaking that is.

I....am such a failure. How in the world can I expect to take what I've found to a dead and dying world, if I don't even comprehend the magnitude of what I've found?


‎"We younger evangelicals are often too flippant – playing marbles with the Diamonds of God."