Thursday, April 2, 2009

This Assault Will Bring Me Strength

I would be a liar to say that the whole Arthur and Sara thing didn't bother me.

I had a great night tonight. I had a great long talk with Justin Hayden and Reba, and then also with Kevan and Shea, and discussed a lot of things that had been going on in my life. I felt so much better afterwards, I'm talking on top of the world, not lettin' anything drag me down.

I get home. Wake of Redemption (Arthur's prog-metal band) has been posting a lot of bulletins.

Well....there was a comment on their page from Sara. A very flirty comment. The very same kind of comments she was sending me this time last year. Going against my better instincts, I went to his MySpace and found yet another comment from Sara on his personal profile.

I feel sick to my stomach at the same intensity as I did the night she ended it with me. And the night I found out they were out on a date.
I still feel sick when i hear her name, when I hear people talk about her. I still feel sick whenever I see a picture of her, or see she's online, or see a comment she left anyone else on their profile.

I just really really really don't understand why this is happening. I have done almost everything right - I have not gone out of my way to make Sara jealous, I have turned down all requests from any of her friends to talk or hang out so that she will not have to go through what I am not having to go through as a result of her actions. I turned down going to prom with Carla because I knew it had the potential to bother Sara.

WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS

Gosh. I honestly try my hardest to be a nice guy, and apparently I do a decent job of it, basing this assumption off of responses I have gotten back from others. I mean I seriously have kept Sara in mind in a lot of my post-break-up decisions, sometimes compromising what might be best for me so that it won't cause her any unnecessary problems.

GOSH DANGIT
I am so frustrated. Cripes.
I KNOW THAT I DO NOT DESERVE THIS.
AND I KNOW THAT THEY ARE ACTING REALLY CRAPPY BY DOING THIS
AND I KNOW I CAN'T JUST NOT LOVING HER but I sure would like to.

This is...ridiculous.
Lately though, I've really been looking back at Sara and I's relationship and truly analyzing it without my "love glasses" on, and ya know, this isn't as much of a blindsiding as a thought. You could say it is in the fact that I was blinded by love. But like...I don't know. I always felt like Sara and I's relationship was somewhat one-sided (leaning towards me), but I always dismissed these thoughts as me just being arrogant and self-righteous.

I just. I mean, I remember some kind-of saying that went along the lines of basically saying that "You can tell a lot about a person by how they act when times get rough"
I hope people can look at me and think good things about me, because I have really wanted to do and say not-so-nice things through all of this, but I've been determined to do things the right way.

"Pain does not prevail,
Dear Lord, Your Love will never fail" - Reese Roper

Just remember that Andrew. Never forget that.

I'm proud of myself for not using vulgarity in this blog.

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