Wednesday, March 25, 2009

An outpouring of thoughts

I have about 25 minutes to kill in the Petty Student Lounge before Judaism class, so I thought I'd get some thoughts out of my head that have been chasing each other around all day.

Sara invited Arthur to her Dad's birthday party Friday. I realize she didn't invite me because I asked her not to contact me until she figures out what it is she wants. Arthur asked how I felt about him going. I told him to be completely honest, I was against it. My emotions told me no, it was a bad idea, although I'm not sure why I felt that way. I told him today I didn't want him to go, and he said he wouldn't. I hope he keeps to his word, because he's had a horrible habit of not doing so lately. I'm not holding it against him, I have forgiven him (and he has forgiven myself) of all the problems and misgivings between the two of us up until this point. However, humans are creatures of habit, so I cannot wholly exclude the past from my line of thinking.
Sara also messaged me expressing an interest in coming to our show Saturday. I thought nothing of it, made small talk about where it's at / how far it is from her house, and it was just like normal small talk. Then, I get another message that says "Well I'll try and make it, I might be going to Charlotte with Cameron Saturday so I might not be able to make it" I replied with a rather generic, "Alright well hopefully you can make it, but if not it's totally cool." Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about it. As soon as I read that, I got the same sick feeling in my stomach I've known all too well for the past almost 9 months, that I got every time she did something that didn't involve me. I realize how ridiculous it is for me to feel this way after we've broken up, but let me be the first to say old habits die hard my friends. After talking to people, some people think she was in a way, trying to make me jealous, or show me that she's okay without me by mentioning her already having plans Saturday. I don't want to assume she's a horrible person, but it would make a lot of sense after discussing it with multiple people, and having different reasons / motives / explanations laid out to me.

I got flicked off in the UNCG parking lot yesterday morning before class because I took a spot a girl was waiting for. I didn't realize she was waiting for it until she beeped her horn at me, and I got spooked and didn't look up until she drove away, middle finger flying high. I felt horrible. I really wanted to tell her that was a spot one row over that her compact would fit into that my Explorer wouldn't, but I got scared and I choked and didn't even get out of my car until she drove off. That almost ruined my day yesterday, and definitely kept me kind-of down the majority of the day. I hope I see her again just so I can at the very least offer her an apology. Things like this really bother me.

Another thing that bothers me, in a heart-breaking kind-of way is when people cry. I took Laura to the Orthdontist yesterday, and they put springs on her braces, one of which was grinding against one of her loose teeth. She came out in tears because it hurt so bad. I tried my usual approach when people are sad, act silly, offer a ridiculous alternative that would solve nothing, yadda yadda yadda. I offered ice cream, but the tears just kept flowing. I realized then that there was nothing on this planet I could do to make that pain go away. That was the most heart-breaking realization I have ever come to. There was NOTHING I could do to make the pain go away. Sure I could act silly and get her to giggle, but the pain would still be there. That feeling of helplessness was one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.

There was a student banned from Campus on Monday for communicating thoughts of mass violence targeting UNCG students. He was in my 2 o'clock Judaism class every Monday and Wednesday. Every day in class I felt led to introduce myself to him, and extend a hand of friendship (so-to-speak) to him. Every day, I ignored that and was too afraid to act on it. What if my extending a hand of friendship had made the difference? The e-mail sent around contained his full name and picture, so if he ever comes back to campus, he will be the object of ridicule, as he is now, although he wouldn't know unless he were to come back to campus. HE TURNED HIMSELF IN! He is not the kook that POCAM and the students are making him out to be. He was an EXTREMELY intelligent young man, who realized the thoughts he was having were not healthy, and sought help. That does not justify his original thoughts/actions, but cut the guy some slack people. He's not Jeffrey Dahmer.

I know I'm not done but the rest of the topics/thoughts I wanted to dispel are not coming to mind, and class starts in 10 minutes so I'm going to head that way.

I feel a lot better now.

And I am overwhelmed
With grief to see such suffering,
For those who lack the voice to speak
For those of us left uttering

Pain does not prevail,
Dear Lord,
Your love will never fail
-Reese Roper (These Frail Hands - Brave Saint Saturn

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