Sunday, March 29, 2009

Short, Simple & To The Point

And I’ll close my eyes, and I’ll dream of a better time
when I’ll finally be past this and I'll be happy on my own.

That day is coming.
Thank God for it.
It's nearer than I would have ever expected.

Thanks be to God.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

An outpouring of thoughts

I have about 25 minutes to kill in the Petty Student Lounge before Judaism class, so I thought I'd get some thoughts out of my head that have been chasing each other around all day.

Sara invited Arthur to her Dad's birthday party Friday. I realize she didn't invite me because I asked her not to contact me until she figures out what it is she wants. Arthur asked how I felt about him going. I told him to be completely honest, I was against it. My emotions told me no, it was a bad idea, although I'm not sure why I felt that way. I told him today I didn't want him to go, and he said he wouldn't. I hope he keeps to his word, because he's had a horrible habit of not doing so lately. I'm not holding it against him, I have forgiven him (and he has forgiven myself) of all the problems and misgivings between the two of us up until this point. However, humans are creatures of habit, so I cannot wholly exclude the past from my line of thinking.
Sara also messaged me expressing an interest in coming to our show Saturday. I thought nothing of it, made small talk about where it's at / how far it is from her house, and it was just like normal small talk. Then, I get another message that says "Well I'll try and make it, I might be going to Charlotte with Cameron Saturday so I might not be able to make it" I replied with a rather generic, "Alright well hopefully you can make it, but if not it's totally cool." Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about it. As soon as I read that, I got the same sick feeling in my stomach I've known all too well for the past almost 9 months, that I got every time she did something that didn't involve me. I realize how ridiculous it is for me to feel this way after we've broken up, but let me be the first to say old habits die hard my friends. After talking to people, some people think she was in a way, trying to make me jealous, or show me that she's okay without me by mentioning her already having plans Saturday. I don't want to assume she's a horrible person, but it would make a lot of sense after discussing it with multiple people, and having different reasons / motives / explanations laid out to me.

I got flicked off in the UNCG parking lot yesterday morning before class because I took a spot a girl was waiting for. I didn't realize she was waiting for it until she beeped her horn at me, and I got spooked and didn't look up until she drove away, middle finger flying high. I felt horrible. I really wanted to tell her that was a spot one row over that her compact would fit into that my Explorer wouldn't, but I got scared and I choked and didn't even get out of my car until she drove off. That almost ruined my day yesterday, and definitely kept me kind-of down the majority of the day. I hope I see her again just so I can at the very least offer her an apology. Things like this really bother me.

Another thing that bothers me, in a heart-breaking kind-of way is when people cry. I took Laura to the Orthdontist yesterday, and they put springs on her braces, one of which was grinding against one of her loose teeth. She came out in tears because it hurt so bad. I tried my usual approach when people are sad, act silly, offer a ridiculous alternative that would solve nothing, yadda yadda yadda. I offered ice cream, but the tears just kept flowing. I realized then that there was nothing on this planet I could do to make that pain go away. That was the most heart-breaking realization I have ever come to. There was NOTHING I could do to make the pain go away. Sure I could act silly and get her to giggle, but the pain would still be there. That feeling of helplessness was one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.

There was a student banned from Campus on Monday for communicating thoughts of mass violence targeting UNCG students. He was in my 2 o'clock Judaism class every Monday and Wednesday. Every day in class I felt led to introduce myself to him, and extend a hand of friendship (so-to-speak) to him. Every day, I ignored that and was too afraid to act on it. What if my extending a hand of friendship had made the difference? The e-mail sent around contained his full name and picture, so if he ever comes back to campus, he will be the object of ridicule, as he is now, although he wouldn't know unless he were to come back to campus. HE TURNED HIMSELF IN! He is not the kook that POCAM and the students are making him out to be. He was an EXTREMELY intelligent young man, who realized the thoughts he was having were not healthy, and sought help. That does not justify his original thoughts/actions, but cut the guy some slack people. He's not Jeffrey Dahmer.

I know I'm not done but the rest of the topics/thoughts I wanted to dispel are not coming to mind, and class starts in 10 minutes so I'm going to head that way.

I feel a lot better now.

And I am overwhelmed
With grief to see such suffering,
For those who lack the voice to speak
For those of us left uttering

Pain does not prevail,
Dear Lord,
Your love will never fail
-Reese Roper (These Frail Hands - Brave Saint Saturn

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Thank you, Incubus.

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.


I know how horribly depressed and mopey I have come off in my last few entries, but I promise that is not the case. While it IS true that I do miss Sara, it is not constantly on my mind, and eating away at my thoughts as it would appear. It just seems like whenever I feel like blogging, something about her comes up, so I choose to write about that.

These lyrics are too perfect at conveying my mood. I miss her, but I'm not ridiculously needy and depressed. I'm doing okay without her. I miss her, but I'm becoming more and more independent everyday.
Thanks again Incubus.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

I miss her

I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her

But I'll be OK without her.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Sara

I just found and watched some videos of us on my laptop.

I love and miss her. So much.

I think I figured it out

I think I figured everything out.

I feel like a d-bag for only thinking of myself...in everything. 
"Oh this is so hard on Me, this isn't fair to ME."

I'm not angry, I'm not bitter, I'm humbled. 

Reese Roper's words never rang so true
"I'm choking on pride, I'm closing my eyes; 'til one day I'm scared to go back"

Choke away, maybe afterwards this won't be such a common occurrence.



Seriously?

As a big advocate of not turning to anger and bitterness when you have a problem, I'm feeling like a major hypocrite right now.

Becca has ignored me all week. I mean IMs, wall posts, video posts, comments, texts, everything. No response.

I'm going to be frank, I'm pissed off.

I mean I've been ignored for a week, never getting any kind of a reason. I finally talk to her today, and it's the most awkward thing, and she's so short with me it just fills me with an anger I've been successful in conquering the past couple of days.

I know it sounds like I'm getting over an ex-gf, but that's not the case. We confided in each other a lot, and got extremely close. And all of a sudden - POOF! Gone.

I'm just tired of people I trust and confide in a LOT totally extracting themselves from my life.

It's a good thing I didn't have trust issues before all of this....oh wait.

I'm trying not to be bitter or angry, but I'm not succeeding.

Bah. I'm gonna go play these new drums I bought before I turn right around and sell 'em.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Ehhhh

I've been doing a lot better. I caught up on my day-by-day devotions last night (I was 9 days behind :-\) and that just, blessed me socks off. Funny, I was searching all over for Spiritual comfort and solace, and if I had just kept up my devotions like normal I would have had one every single day in that first week/week and a half after Sara and I parted ways.

I still feel myself missing Sara, but I'm getting stronger, more independent. I'm beginning to realize how ridiculous I'm being for worrying about Sara moving on. She's doing exactly what I'm doing. I know we're not talking, and I'm not sure if she reads this, but I was being absolutely hypocritical to think I should allowed to move on and she shouldn't. I've got a lot to learn, and a lot of work to do on myself before I can truly get my act together and be independent. I'll continue to trust in God, and not worry. I will continue to shun bitterness, and embrace every situation with an open mind.

Becca's still ignoring me, and I'm bouncing back and forth from being upset/frustrated and hurt. It seems that I'm the only person she's ignoring, and it really bothers me to be honest. I don't appreciate someone completely and blatantly ignoring me, without any explanation as to why. I understand that some people don't want to talk about their problems, and I never forced her into talking about things, but I don't understand why that means we can't talk at all. That just doesn't make sense in my mind.

T-Hansbrough broke the all-time ACC scoring record today, and UNC beat the mess out of Radford. Definitely better than a free sandwich from Arby's. Gonna go pop on my UNC flat-bill and head out to the Cafe'.

"First Post"

I've been keeping up with my personal bloggings on Xanga as of late, but decided to begin storing the information over, 'cause Xanga is sketch as crap and getting rather out-dated. You can find my xanga (With the same surname as the URL for this blog) and all my past posts, but I can't export them without purchasing Xanga Premium, which is not something I'm prepared to do. If you're interested in past bloggings, you're more than welcome to find my other blog.

Posted above is my recent Xanga blogging, posted about 4 hours ago.