Monday, December 28, 2009

How He Loves Us

John Mark McMillan said that when he wrote How He Loves, he believed that it would shake the youth of the nation.

Well, he was right. But there has an also been an unintended side-effect that has come about as his song has gained popularity.
It's not just young people that are affected by this masterpiece. John Mark said he had heard of kids getting saved, of kids being delivered, all simply from hearing this song - be it on the radio, performed by John Mark himself, or any of the thousands upon millions that play How He Loves.
And it's beautiful, it's so beautiful, that this song was not written as a worship song - but God has used it to become just that, and to truly shake the youth of the nation.
But I digress.

What has floored me more than anything else, is the response that has been received from the older crowd. I've seen people as young as 12, to as old as 70 and older moved to tears by this song. I've seen people fall flat on their face before God, just from hearing this song. I've heard of people who after hearing this song, want to know more about God for the first time in their life. I've heard of people WANTING, HUNGERING, THIRSTING for more God in their life. I've seen some of the most conservative of worshipers beside themselves with joy, unable to stand still. I've seen my prideful, disgusting self humbled past the point of tears.

Every time I play this song with the praise band, it's just like the first time I've heard it. I cannot ever imagine a time when this song will get old. Just listening to the words, and what they're saying...just puts me beside myself. Instant conviction, deliverance, and realization of how much God Almighty cares for a lousy person like myself. He knows my heart better than I, and even with what little knowledge I have, I know I deserve nothing more than the pits of hell.

This song is shaking not only the youth of the nation, but the entire faith community.

Stephen, your prayer was answered brother.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

"Come, just as you are to worship."
It doesn't say clean up your life before you come to worship, it doesn't say stop cursing/drinking/smoking/having sex/what have you, it says come just the way you are to worship The Lord.
I forget this too many times.
Remember this in a season that is celebrated as the Birth of Christ - Worship, always. There are no prerequisites - God wants and loves you more than you could ever imagine.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Return to us once again, Great God!
We will burn for You! We will yearn for You, Lord!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Lately, I've really been noticing the presence of God in so many ways I never had before.
I was pumping gas a few weeks ago before going to see a friend at the diner, I stopped at the BP on the corner of Baker and Main Street to grab a tank of gas. While it was pumping, I walked out to the side of the gas station facing main street, and looking down the street I saw all the street lights, staggered one after the other. I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of that, I got chills.

Tuesday night, after dropping a friend off from visiting Kevan, I was driving down Main Street in High Point in the rain. I remember sitting at a stoplight, and looking up at the sky, so I could literally see the rain come right down at me; and in that moment, I was just overcome with a sense of God's presence. I got chills that I've beginning to get all-too accustomed to now-a-days.

As this begins appearing more and more often, I can't help but wonder where God's been all this time. And then it hits me - He's always been there. I just wasn't looking. Two songs come to mind as I continue to dwell on this thought - Open The Eyes of My Heart, a popular Contemporary Christian Song, and Allah Allah Allah by mewithoutYou.
The first song deals with begging God to open the eyes of our heart, so we can see Him more clearly. I cannot imagine any other part of my body that would be more appropriate to seeing God. The second song by mewithoutYou struck me, as it was inspired by a poem by Bawa Muhaiyaddeen, about being able to see God in every blade of grass. Muhaiyaddeen, being a Sufi Mystic, may not be many Christians' first choice for someone to provide a commentary on God, however I think he was onto something I'm coming to terms with myself.

God is everywhere.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

God - You are so good, and I am so bad.
Your Love is beyond me.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Oh, Praise Him!

Friday, November 27, 2009

I'm about to spend some quality time with my parents.
And for the first time in months / years, I am honest-to-goodness excited about it.

Friday, November 20, 2009

I am overcoming.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I've never felt as helpless as I do now.
I'm sick, tired, and hungry.

But in all of this, I finally turn to You, God.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I don't really believe God ever fully unveils to us what He has planned for us. I think if He did, we'd turn tail and run, or at the very least find some way to mess things up - whether we realized it or not. I think He lets us know just as it is happening, or even as it is happening, with events leading up to it that prepare us completely for what He has to come.
I don't know for sure if God is calling me to lead worship, or book worship, or work in youth ministry, or play drums in a reggae band - but that's where I am now and I'm going to make the absolute best of it, for His Kingdom's sake.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I think I could stay up all night in Your presence.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Acts 10:28
"But God has shown me that I should not call any man impure or unclean."

Looks like we forgot that one, guys.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Love of God is so much stronger than my sinful, destructive nature.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
He who watches over you will not slumber;
4 Indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
He will watch over your life;
8 The LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I led worship with the praise band at Trinity Baptist tonight. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that is where God wants me right now.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Love of God is so much more than we can ever know, all I can do is cry.
I hope God will act in a mighty and undeniable way that all His children will come to develop a close and loving relationship with Him.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Return to us once again Great God! We will burn for You! We will yearn for You!
Light a Fire inside our hearts Great God! We will burn for You! We will yearn for You!
And we return to You!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

It's time to let this go. It's not my choice to make, it's not my agenda I need to follow.


"And every time I'd try to let go, my hands would always shake"

Thursday, October 8, 2009

"For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." Matthew 12:37

So much condemnation.

Monday, October 5, 2009

I'll buy into evolution more when something like Mount Rushmore "evolves" naturally into existence.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Every single penny, time, and gas spent was worth tonight, and what it meant to everyone in attendance. Praise the God who gives.
Tonight has not even happened and I'm already thankful for God's goodness and grace and everything He is going to do tonight at the Boxing Arena.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Why do I feel bitterness where I should feel joy?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I'm so on fire for God right now I simply cannot contain it.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Now I understand why people get so upset when people bail on them.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I love you God, and I'm fixing myself for You.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I mostly keep to myself now-a-days.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Jesus loves.

Monday, September 7, 2009

It is the amazing manifestation of His unshakable Love for the unloved, for the unlovely. The weak, the unworthy, and the unwarranted, the rebels and the sinners.
You and me.

Friday, September 4, 2009

A Rosary is not a piece of jewelry.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I know I'm not Jesus, or God, or anything even remotely close.
But I just want this world to change. Even if everyone doesn't get saved.
I want the world to be a happy place again. A moral place again.
A place where people supported each other, lifted each other up, regardless of differences.
I want a world where the government doesn't have to TELL YOU to help out your less fortunate brothers and sisters.

I know this is impossible with sin running rampant throughout the world, but I will not be deterred from trying to make the world a better place to live. Jesus hasn't given up on it, and neither will I.

Friday, August 28, 2009

I'll fly away Oh Glory, I'll fly away...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Oh Lord, Oh My Father, Your Love is extravagant!
We need You here! We're sinking fast, and we don't care!
Be with us and never leave us Father.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

I am trading my sorrows for the Joy of The Lord.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I am so tired of messing things up.

The way I originally planned this out was much more vulgar.

It is time to hit the floor and talk to Jesus.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

"How can you hold that stance and call yourself a Christian?" is the weakest political argument, on either side.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

There is no way I am dependent as once thought on anything other than God.

Friday, August 14, 2009

We have got to be a blindingly bright light in the desperate dark and hopeless world. WE HAVE TO.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I am so stinkin' tired of kids blaming everything that's wrong with Christianity on the church. The root of all evil is sin, and we all suffer from it - so it's your fault just as much as it is mine, or anyone else's that is or isn't a part of the American Church.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

I don't understand this joy I feel, but I cherish it.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The ride's over, did you enjoy yourself?

Saturday, August 1, 2009

I just saw on my calculator where Sara wrote "I <3 you! -Sara-" as a surprise whenever I find it.


Surprise!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Dating really doesn't appeal to me anymore, I don't want to give any piece of my heart that is rightfully God's to anybody but God.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Held wide in The Arms of Christ is Love to last beyond a lifetime.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I also just put an end to something that God was not to ready to have ever started and I am leaning on God right now.

"How can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me "How could it be any better than this?"

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I just realized how much I take my family for granted.

Friday, July 24, 2009

I think that if Christians and others are going to say "I love you and if you need anything at all please let me know," they should at least make somewhat of an effort to seem approachable, and not intimidating.

And I am the guiltiest of this of anyone.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

It's time to listen to God and make things right.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

I have never been so unsure of anything in my entire life.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

I have had the most spiritual two weeks of my life and I just am so blessed.
I've never yearned to read The Bible as much as I have lately, and it's just so fulfilling, yet I can never get enough at the same time.
I have never before in my life sacrificed sleep to read The Bible.

The times' they are a-changin', and I hope I can be a Godly man and not a silly boy.

Monday, June 8, 2009

"I just - I'd settle for your respect. I get it. You've moved on. You're dating this guy. You're with this guy. We're over. I just want you—I just want you to look at me with respect at least, and not look back on the eight months we had together and think, 'Oh, what a joke that was.'"

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Battle of the Bands

This is more for record-keeping than anything, but feel free to go ahead and make plans / offer suggestions.

June 27th - Battle of the Bands at Clifton Road
Main Sanctuary - capacity of 600 Maximum
$10 per ticket for 6 bands - also counts as fund-raiser for Youth Group missions trip

Bands we are hoping for include:
Ailyne
Fastest Kid in 5th Grade
RITK
God's Offspring
The Heel, The Serpent
Mercy Mercedes OR Bloodline Severed.

Bands will be given 100 pre-sale tickets each, and will be expected to return cash proportionate to the amount of tickets sold, as well as any unsold tickets.

Voting will be done at the end of the night, so no bias will be involved at all, as only the crowd / fans will be voting.

The winner will receive a percentage of the proceeds, up to $1,000.

This is gonna be huge.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Relationships

There is much to be said about relationships, love, and their effect on people who involve themselves in them. They can attribute to happiness beyond comparison, as well as sadness beyond comprehension. I can honestly say I have experienced both, and they have affected every aspect of the person I am, the person I was, and the person I will be. To be honest, to this day they are still affecting me, whether I realize it or not.

Break-ups can be very humbling. It is very difficult to maintain a solid self-confidence when you go from being the center of someone's universe, to just another ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Not only that, it is nigh-impossible to have a consistent self-confidence level after experiencing an end to a serious relationship. In times like these, we truly re-evaluate what we base our self-image off of, and what persons' opinions to take into account during a time of such emotional fluctuation.

Break-ups can also lead to disastrous results, the most disastrous in my opinion being rebounds. Rebounding does nothing but spread the hurt around to an unsuspecting bystander, who in most cases played no role in the original break-up. If there's one thing I emphasize more than anything else, it would be not to date after a break-up until you are absolutely certain that you have moved on and are prepared to date again. I cannot comprehend how it is possible to give your heart to someone new, when it is so obviously still attached to an ex for whom you still have feelings.

These are just a few things I have learned since Sara and I's break-up in early March. It has been a very educational and informing experience for me, and I honestly do not harbor any ill will towards her for any reason.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Beginning

I am the worst of all things here,
my crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear.
And each and every sparrow,
You see them flutter to the ground before they die,
So please God don't forget me.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Hostility

I just don't understand it.

TDWP's new CD is pretty fantastic.

I found out Arthur lost his job. Even as angry as I've been with him, that really bums me out to hear.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Olive Press

Austin and I decided Thursday night to name the church we are starting The Olive Press.

I am so pumped. I just really I personally don't do anything.
I hope every single thing done is God through myself.
Pray for an absence of ego.

May 15th is our kick-off worship event.
I cannot wait. I simply can't.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Religion AND a Relationship

I am seeing a disturbing trend in the attitudes and approaches that some Christians are taking in their mission work.
Most notably, "It's not Religion, it's a Relationship"

I am inclined to disagree. If it's just a "relationship," then does that not mean that you can dictate the rules, as you are part of the relationship? Relationship implies mutuality, and reciprocity. Not true by any means - God's unconditional Love for us will never be reciprocated by any human being. See, there's this thing called sin, and it holds us back.
To further the idea that this is not a 50/50 relationship as stated, I cite Romans 6:18.
Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness.
It's plan and simple. We can willingly choose to let God be our Master, or let sin be our master.
I'm not saying that a personal relationship is not possible with God, but is it NOT something that can stand alone.

Religion is defined by Merriam-Webster as:
"b (1): the service and worship of God or the supernatural (2): commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance"
Hm. If Christianity, or whatever it is you are practicing is NOT religion, then what is it?

Now, this may seem nit-picky, but I feel very strongly against the alteration of the general Message of Christianity in an attempt to convert more people. Romans 14:21 states "It is good not to eat meat or to drink wine, or to do anything by which your brother stumbles." I believe that by saying "It's not a religion, it's a relationship," it could very easily lead to someone misinterpreting Christianity, and in turn causing them to stumble in their walk with God.

All of this being said, I think a balance of the two is absolutely the best idea. Some of the doctrines set forth by Christianity as a religion are absolutely essential (Freewill Anyone?) to the Christian faith.

My last point is a simple question: Why all these new methods of converting Christians? "Religion dies here," and "It's not a religion, it's a relationship!" just to name two examples. Now I am by no means calling out any individual churches, however these were simply the first two that came to mind.
Now I have nothing against trying to attract new believers, but why in the world do we have to make up catchy lines to make people go "Wait, what?" When did Christianity become all about marketing.

There are 4 books in the bible. They're called the Gospels. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. They tell about the life of and death of the Extraordinary life lived by a man named Jesus Christ. Try reading them sometime - They're miraculous. Amazing. Tell the stories - LIVE the stories.

Catchy slogans only go so far.

Another scripture has been brought to my attention, which is James 1:27.
James 1:27 (New International Version - UK)
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
Note that this scripture says Religion - not relationship. It also says pure and faultless; leading us to believe that it is not religion that is the problem. Rather, it is the perversion of Religion.

NOTE: These are all simply my beliefs and interpretations on this subject, my apologies if it seemed as if I was speaking in absolutes. This is simply my take on the matter at hand.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Accidents Happen

I was at Austin's with Cameron, Tai, Reba, Hayden, Austin, Justin, Tim, Greg and Josh for the majority of my night. Great times were had, fellowship, everything I could ask for. There was a BB gun. Everyone played with it - I even shot it once, which was the first time I ever shot a gun. I think.
Anyways, I had to leave around 840 to take Cameron back to his car at my house, and as I was leaving Josh was fooling around with the BB gun and shooting it at the can set up in their yard. As I was pulling out he shot again, and the BB shot out the back glass on the hatch of my Explorer. It was an accident, I'm not mad and I don't blame Josh at all. If there was anything I could do to make him feel better about it, I'd do it without a second thought. Things could have been much much worse, and there is absolutely no point in trying to point fingers or place blame. It was simply an accident and I hope Josh understands I have 0 hard feelings towards him about all of this.

That being said, the 50+ stickers I had on my back window (Totaling upwards of $100) are no more. Obviously they can't be re-used. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little bummed. I had just put on my new Five Iron Frenzy and Katy Perry stickers today, this afternoon before I left actually, so that's disheartening.
Overall though, I'm not unhappy, or mad, or upset or anything at all. It was just an accident.


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Monday, April 20, 2009

Failure to comprehend

I honest-to-goodness don't understand constant negativity.

I'm really tired of reaching out to people in a positive manner, just to get a wise-guy response back making fun of the way I look at life. I don't understand why you need to make me feel stupid because I try to find good in everything in life.

I'm sorry? I don't even know you and you're ripping into me and mocking me like that?
I mean, really?

People confuse me sometimes.
Which isn't to say I have my negative moments, because I know as good as anyone that I do. I just work through them, don't wallow in them and move on. Yes, that's easier said than done, but I still try.

/soapbox.

When someone tries to help, mocking them is going to end up with them not coming back to help again.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Welp,

Sara has a new boyfriend.

I'm not surprised.

Part of me is positive he's just a rebound, I just don't know for sure.
Maybe they're meant to be and God finally crossed their paths? who knows.

What I do know is that all Sara had to say about him while we were dating is how last time they dated it lasted 6 days because he got on her nerves and she couldn't stand him.

Signs point to rebound, but it's not my place to guess.

I'm nowhere near as bothered as I thought I'd be by all of this.
Gonna have to give God a big thank You for that.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Easter!

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of the day Jesus Christ conquered death, hell and Satan, took back the keys to Hell and gave a lousy dude like myself hope.

Jesus Christ is freakin' ALIVE!
and I do such a horrible job of telling the world 100% of the time.

Grace. There is so much of it on this freakin' planet, being absolutely poured out upon us.

I cannot put into words, emotions, feelings or action the joy that I am feeling right now!

I hope every single one of you celebrate the crap out of tomorrow, because that is all we can do on such a joyous day! It's another example of how God can take something so heart-breaking and horrible, and make something so incredibly beautiful out of it.

Seriously though. Religious or not, enjoy tomorrow. Tell your family you love them, your friends, people you don't even like. Spend time with the ones you love the most. Make them feel important.

I love you.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Improvement

Where to begin, where to end.

Sara and I talked Sunday. It wasn't anything near what I expected - it was mostly me pouring my heart out, and getting a cold shoulder and generous helpings of disrespect. It's what I needed though - to finally realize I need to move on, and to realize I didn't do a daggum thing to deserve any of this.

I've been slowly getting better, but instead of the 2 steps forward, 1 step back formula I've been following since we broke up, I believe that 1 step backwards has been cut out for the most part, if not totally. That is a blessing.

God's been doing a lot in my life - He's kept me busy which is what I needed, even though I complain about not having any downtime. Totally worth it. He knows what He's doing - way better than I could ever think I do.

We're talking again - just as friends. Sara and I that is. I might not be 100% ready, but I feel God has prepared me enough.

I'm also finally learning how (or being taught?) to just be friends with a girl. To spend time with a girl and honestly just want to get to know her better as a person - without any agenda, without analyzing and picking them apart as a possible girlfriend. That is so nice. I still catch myself slipping every now and again and it disgusts me, but I'm getting better.

I spent all of Great Friday with Kevan, Reba Becca and everybody else in that circle of friends. Gosh. That was the best Great Friday I've ever had. Time literally flew by. From 3 PM until now has just...gosh where has the time gone. I'm thankful for them. A positive environment, positive people and just....goodness. God-given Blessings.

I feel like such a piece for neglecting my church family - I went out with the Spillmans after the Maundy Thursday service last night - it was great. I really need to become a bigger part of my church family and spend more time with those people.

I'm getting better by the second.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Monday, April 6, 2009

Truer words were never spoken.

"Ive learned that the way people treat me is the way they feel about themselves and isn't a product of who I am. When others treat me poorly, it isn't because I'm deserving of it. It's because they lack the self-respect to treat others kindly."

Thank you Beth.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Incomprehensibility

I do not understand how God can take me sobbing and bawling on Dad's shoulder during an altar call, and give a man hope whose lost his relationship with his son.
I do not understand.
And I honestly don't want to.
To know why and how and every little detail would take the beauty of it away.
Which is weird for me to say - because I'm so overbearing and control-crazy that for me to NOT want to know everything about something I don't understand is...crazy.

If I have to spend all my time broken, crying and sobbing on Dad's shoulder to bring people hope, then bring on the Kleenex.

I laid the biggest problem in my life right now down at His feet today. Let's see if I can leave it there, or if I just snatch it back when I think I can do things myself again.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Kevan's Dare

Kevan dared me to blog without mentioning 2 things. I am going to try to do that.

I must say - rebounding is the suckiest thing in the world. I hate it so much and while it may be easy not to act on it, it is hard as crap to overcome just the simple feeling of rebounding. I have never been so frustrated with myself in my life. I really wish it wasn't so hard to hang out with a girl for no other reason than to enjoy her company as a friend. bahhh.

I really really wish I could just adopt Reba. Or switch places or lives or something with her. I don't understand why Reba, the nicest and best person I know, has one of the worst situations of anyone I know. It is really humbling for me to complain about anything at all, when I sit back and think about what she's going through. it's not my place to go into details, but oh my word. If there was ever a situation where I just wanted to snap my fingers and make all the problems go away, it's this one. Hayden...gosh. He is a TRUE big brother to her. I joke around and say that I'm the same way, but I see the way they interact and I'm so so so thankful that she has someone like Hayden to be there for her. Gosh. Hayden is such a blessing to her, and I'd do anything on this planet for either of them.

I'm in Boone right now. It's nice. It's tough as well, the drive up was tough because it gave ample time to just sit and think. Not the best thing for me right now. I've felt like knocking down a wall or two that I had built up since the beginning of March. I'm not sure if it's that I'm feeling led by God, or if it's just my emotions taking over.

I'm really worried because the gap that appeared in my life at the beginning of March was instantly filled with friends, Kevan, Shea, Reba, Becca and Katie. It's tough because...I only have a month before Shea moves to Alabama for good to pastor a church there. Kevan is going on an internship to Arkansas all summer...and if he gets the job he may not be moving back home. Becca will be gone all summer on an internship as well. We're not as close but it still sucks. Reba said she's not going anywhere specific this summer, so that's a comfort. It's just...I'm so torn. Do I spend as much time as I can with them and then hurt when they leave? Or guard myself?
I'll enjoy what I can. I'd rather be extremely happy and enjoy my friends' company while I can. To do anything else would be foolish.

Whew. Boone.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

This Assault Will Bring Me Strength

I would be a liar to say that the whole Arthur and Sara thing didn't bother me.

I had a great night tonight. I had a great long talk with Justin Hayden and Reba, and then also with Kevan and Shea, and discussed a lot of things that had been going on in my life. I felt so much better afterwards, I'm talking on top of the world, not lettin' anything drag me down.

I get home. Wake of Redemption (Arthur's prog-metal band) has been posting a lot of bulletins.

Well....there was a comment on their page from Sara. A very flirty comment. The very same kind of comments she was sending me this time last year. Going against my better instincts, I went to his MySpace and found yet another comment from Sara on his personal profile.

I feel sick to my stomach at the same intensity as I did the night she ended it with me. And the night I found out they were out on a date.
I still feel sick when i hear her name, when I hear people talk about her. I still feel sick whenever I see a picture of her, or see she's online, or see a comment she left anyone else on their profile.

I just really really really don't understand why this is happening. I have done almost everything right - I have not gone out of my way to make Sara jealous, I have turned down all requests from any of her friends to talk or hang out so that she will not have to go through what I am not having to go through as a result of her actions. I turned down going to prom with Carla because I knew it had the potential to bother Sara.

WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS

Gosh. I honestly try my hardest to be a nice guy, and apparently I do a decent job of it, basing this assumption off of responses I have gotten back from others. I mean I seriously have kept Sara in mind in a lot of my post-break-up decisions, sometimes compromising what might be best for me so that it won't cause her any unnecessary problems.

GOSH DANGIT
I am so frustrated. Cripes.
I KNOW THAT I DO NOT DESERVE THIS.
AND I KNOW THAT THEY ARE ACTING REALLY CRAPPY BY DOING THIS
AND I KNOW I CAN'T JUST NOT LOVING HER but I sure would like to.

This is...ridiculous.
Lately though, I've really been looking back at Sara and I's relationship and truly analyzing it without my "love glasses" on, and ya know, this isn't as much of a blindsiding as a thought. You could say it is in the fact that I was blinded by love. But like...I don't know. I always felt like Sara and I's relationship was somewhat one-sided (leaning towards me), but I always dismissed these thoughts as me just being arrogant and self-righteous.

I just. I mean, I remember some kind-of saying that went along the lines of basically saying that "You can tell a lot about a person by how they act when times get rough"
I hope people can look at me and think good things about me, because I have really wanted to do and say not-so-nice things through all of this, but I've been determined to do things the right way.

"Pain does not prevail,
Dear Lord, Your Love will never fail" - Reese Roper

Just remember that Andrew. Never forget that.

I'm proud of myself for not using vulgarity in this blog.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Rebounding

Rebounding is SO for the lose.
Gosh. I really wish I didn't have to deal with it.
Granted, I think I've done well so far in recognizing it and addressing it before any actions are taken, that doesn't make it go away.
Bah.
I don't think I've ever gone out of my way to hang out with a girl without having my own agenda of eventually trying to date her.
That needs to change.
It is.
One day soon.

until then I'll just enjoy the crap out of my times with Kevan, Preston, Shea, Reba, Katie, Becca and whoever else decides to join our circle of friends I have been so blessed to become a part of.

I can't decide what's better - hanging out at Kevan's 'til all hours of the morning, or not complaining the next morning because the time spent with Kevan and the rest of our friends is totally worth the lack of sleep.

Life is good, and constantly getting better.

Get behind me satan. Your bitterness, and anger and any other negative emotion you are trying to instill in me through everything will not take hold. I am stronger than you.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Short, Simple & To The Point

And I’ll close my eyes, and I’ll dream of a better time
when I’ll finally be past this and I'll be happy on my own.

That day is coming.
Thank God for it.
It's nearer than I would have ever expected.

Thanks be to God.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

An outpouring of thoughts

I have about 25 minutes to kill in the Petty Student Lounge before Judaism class, so I thought I'd get some thoughts out of my head that have been chasing each other around all day.

Sara invited Arthur to her Dad's birthday party Friday. I realize she didn't invite me because I asked her not to contact me until she figures out what it is she wants. Arthur asked how I felt about him going. I told him to be completely honest, I was against it. My emotions told me no, it was a bad idea, although I'm not sure why I felt that way. I told him today I didn't want him to go, and he said he wouldn't. I hope he keeps to his word, because he's had a horrible habit of not doing so lately. I'm not holding it against him, I have forgiven him (and he has forgiven myself) of all the problems and misgivings between the two of us up until this point. However, humans are creatures of habit, so I cannot wholly exclude the past from my line of thinking.
Sara also messaged me expressing an interest in coming to our show Saturday. I thought nothing of it, made small talk about where it's at / how far it is from her house, and it was just like normal small talk. Then, I get another message that says "Well I'll try and make it, I might be going to Charlotte with Cameron Saturday so I might not be able to make it" I replied with a rather generic, "Alright well hopefully you can make it, but if not it's totally cool." Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about it. As soon as I read that, I got the same sick feeling in my stomach I've known all too well for the past almost 9 months, that I got every time she did something that didn't involve me. I realize how ridiculous it is for me to feel this way after we've broken up, but let me be the first to say old habits die hard my friends. After talking to people, some people think she was in a way, trying to make me jealous, or show me that she's okay without me by mentioning her already having plans Saturday. I don't want to assume she's a horrible person, but it would make a lot of sense after discussing it with multiple people, and having different reasons / motives / explanations laid out to me.

I got flicked off in the UNCG parking lot yesterday morning before class because I took a spot a girl was waiting for. I didn't realize she was waiting for it until she beeped her horn at me, and I got spooked and didn't look up until she drove away, middle finger flying high. I felt horrible. I really wanted to tell her that was a spot one row over that her compact would fit into that my Explorer wouldn't, but I got scared and I choked and didn't even get out of my car until she drove off. That almost ruined my day yesterday, and definitely kept me kind-of down the majority of the day. I hope I see her again just so I can at the very least offer her an apology. Things like this really bother me.

Another thing that bothers me, in a heart-breaking kind-of way is when people cry. I took Laura to the Orthdontist yesterday, and they put springs on her braces, one of which was grinding against one of her loose teeth. She came out in tears because it hurt so bad. I tried my usual approach when people are sad, act silly, offer a ridiculous alternative that would solve nothing, yadda yadda yadda. I offered ice cream, but the tears just kept flowing. I realized then that there was nothing on this planet I could do to make that pain go away. That was the most heart-breaking realization I have ever come to. There was NOTHING I could do to make the pain go away. Sure I could act silly and get her to giggle, but the pain would still be there. That feeling of helplessness was one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.

There was a student banned from Campus on Monday for communicating thoughts of mass violence targeting UNCG students. He was in my 2 o'clock Judaism class every Monday and Wednesday. Every day in class I felt led to introduce myself to him, and extend a hand of friendship (so-to-speak) to him. Every day, I ignored that and was too afraid to act on it. What if my extending a hand of friendship had made the difference? The e-mail sent around contained his full name and picture, so if he ever comes back to campus, he will be the object of ridicule, as he is now, although he wouldn't know unless he were to come back to campus. HE TURNED HIMSELF IN! He is not the kook that POCAM and the students are making him out to be. He was an EXTREMELY intelligent young man, who realized the thoughts he was having were not healthy, and sought help. That does not justify his original thoughts/actions, but cut the guy some slack people. He's not Jeffrey Dahmer.

I know I'm not done but the rest of the topics/thoughts I wanted to dispel are not coming to mind, and class starts in 10 minutes so I'm going to head that way.

I feel a lot better now.

And I am overwhelmed
With grief to see such suffering,
For those who lack the voice to speak
For those of us left uttering

Pain does not prevail,
Dear Lord,
Your love will never fail
-Reese Roper (These Frail Hands - Brave Saint Saturn

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Thank you, Incubus.

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.


I know how horribly depressed and mopey I have come off in my last few entries, but I promise that is not the case. While it IS true that I do miss Sara, it is not constantly on my mind, and eating away at my thoughts as it would appear. It just seems like whenever I feel like blogging, something about her comes up, so I choose to write about that.

These lyrics are too perfect at conveying my mood. I miss her, but I'm not ridiculously needy and depressed. I'm doing okay without her. I miss her, but I'm becoming more and more independent everyday.
Thanks again Incubus.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

I miss her

I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her

But I'll be OK without her.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Sara

I just found and watched some videos of us on my laptop.

I love and miss her. So much.

I think I figured it out

I think I figured everything out.

I feel like a d-bag for only thinking of myself...in everything. 
"Oh this is so hard on Me, this isn't fair to ME."

I'm not angry, I'm not bitter, I'm humbled. 

Reese Roper's words never rang so true
"I'm choking on pride, I'm closing my eyes; 'til one day I'm scared to go back"

Choke away, maybe afterwards this won't be such a common occurrence.



Seriously?

As a big advocate of not turning to anger and bitterness when you have a problem, I'm feeling like a major hypocrite right now.

Becca has ignored me all week. I mean IMs, wall posts, video posts, comments, texts, everything. No response.

I'm going to be frank, I'm pissed off.

I mean I've been ignored for a week, never getting any kind of a reason. I finally talk to her today, and it's the most awkward thing, and she's so short with me it just fills me with an anger I've been successful in conquering the past couple of days.

I know it sounds like I'm getting over an ex-gf, but that's not the case. We confided in each other a lot, and got extremely close. And all of a sudden - POOF! Gone.

I'm just tired of people I trust and confide in a LOT totally extracting themselves from my life.

It's a good thing I didn't have trust issues before all of this....oh wait.

I'm trying not to be bitter or angry, but I'm not succeeding.

Bah. I'm gonna go play these new drums I bought before I turn right around and sell 'em.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Ehhhh

I've been doing a lot better. I caught up on my day-by-day devotions last night (I was 9 days behind :-\) and that just, blessed me socks off. Funny, I was searching all over for Spiritual comfort and solace, and if I had just kept up my devotions like normal I would have had one every single day in that first week/week and a half after Sara and I parted ways.

I still feel myself missing Sara, but I'm getting stronger, more independent. I'm beginning to realize how ridiculous I'm being for worrying about Sara moving on. She's doing exactly what I'm doing. I know we're not talking, and I'm not sure if she reads this, but I was being absolutely hypocritical to think I should allowed to move on and she shouldn't. I've got a lot to learn, and a lot of work to do on myself before I can truly get my act together and be independent. I'll continue to trust in God, and not worry. I will continue to shun bitterness, and embrace every situation with an open mind.

Becca's still ignoring me, and I'm bouncing back and forth from being upset/frustrated and hurt. It seems that I'm the only person she's ignoring, and it really bothers me to be honest. I don't appreciate someone completely and blatantly ignoring me, without any explanation as to why. I understand that some people don't want to talk about their problems, and I never forced her into talking about things, but I don't understand why that means we can't talk at all. That just doesn't make sense in my mind.

T-Hansbrough broke the all-time ACC scoring record today, and UNC beat the mess out of Radford. Definitely better than a free sandwich from Arby's. Gonna go pop on my UNC flat-bill and head out to the Cafe'.

"First Post"

I've been keeping up with my personal bloggings on Xanga as of late, but decided to begin storing the information over, 'cause Xanga is sketch as crap and getting rather out-dated. You can find my xanga (With the same surname as the URL for this blog) and all my past posts, but I can't export them without purchasing Xanga Premium, which is not something I'm prepared to do. If you're interested in past bloggings, you're more than welcome to find my other blog.

Posted above is my recent Xanga blogging, posted about 4 hours ago.